Thursday, December 30, 2010

Anchor Steam Small Beer

This month I bring to you the final Beer Hates Me test of 2010. I've come a long way while growing, learning, and experimenting with different types of ales & lagers, porters & stouts, barleywines & dubels. So how do I cap off such a landmark year of alcoholic consumption? Why with the worst beer I've tasted all year! Cause I'm gangsta like that....bitches....
The Beer:
How could I have chosen so poorly? Sure, I knew that this beer was considered a “light” beer. Sure, I knew that it wasn't a special seasonal or limited edition batch. But it came from a very respectable brewery with a long line of quality beers and brewing methods from one of the great American cities - San Francisco. Anchor Steam Small Beer was very simply, horrible. It claims to have been brewed using a (practically ancient) technique that essentially uses the leftovers from a stronger batch to make a secondary, lighter batch. The English would refer to it as a Small Beer, and thus, that's exactly what Anchor Steam has done here. They take their Old Foghorn Barleywine Style Ale and try to duplicate that using the runoff mash and wort and wang and plonk. It's all really technical mumjo jumbo for brewers and guys at home who buy Mr. Beer and think they know their shit. Well, I wouldn't doubt it if Anchor Steam was really just claiming to know what they are doing and instead buying some Mr. Beer kits and letting their retarded, blind children have a go at it. Because despite the fact their website claims that they “believe you will find Anchor Small Beer delicious – similar to what modern brewers call a 'bitter'”, I believe that this tasted like crap and found myself cursing my inner soul for purchasing such ass beer for my last post of the year. Thanks Anchor Steam. You fucked me. You really fucked me you assbag.
The Buzz:
The buzz? Seriously? Hey, remember that first paragraph you just read about “The Beer”? Remember reading that? You may have sensed a bit of frustration, a tad bit of disappointment, a touch of anger in that paragraph up there. Well, you might as well re-read it because there is nothing to speak of in terms of a buzz for this beer. At only 3.3% abv and tasting like brewed asshole, it was basically like drinking really shitty water over the course of 2 hours. And not just like shitty water at a restaurant, but like shitty water at a Mexican restaurant in Mexico! And not the good, resorty parts of Mexico either. I'm talking the drug cartel border towns of Mexico with shit on the bathroom walls and beer that they piss in. And ironically, that is where this beer may have come from. Beer from a small Mexican town on the border run by gang cartels who own Mr. Beer kits that their blind, retarded daughters pee into. Thanks again Anchor Steam, you dick.

The Hangover:
Well, surely a beer that tasted shitty and gave me no buzz whatsoever could never give me a hangover of any sort, right? I mean, 3.3% abv. That's like cough medicine. Think again! It was like cough medicine made in that shitty Mexican bar I guess because I felt awful the next morning. Not the typical hangover per se. I didn't have the stomach pains/headache that normally come with a rough night of drinking. But rather, I was dehydrated and shaky most of the day. Running errands and driving around weren't the easiest things to do and the 80+ degree weather made outdoor chores and fresh air less than satisfying (not that outdoor chores or fresh air are ever satisfying when it's in the 80's mid-December). Regardless, any hangover from Anchor Small Beer should have come with a coupon for one of Anchor Steams better brews. And that coupon should have been delivered in an ice cream truck handing out beer floats from those tiny, blind, retarded, homeless Mexican girls. They fuckin' owed it to me. Them and Anchor Steam, you bastards.

The Verdict:
So what do I deliver as a verdict for this debacle of a test? Obviously it was a total failure as a beer to enjoy. It was a failure as a beer that'd get one nicely buzzed. And it went 3 for 3 in being a failure by providing a hangover the next morning. So, the bottom line is that I fucked up. Royally. Rather than seeking out a seasonal or varietal batch for this holiday post, I tried mixing it up a bit in experimenting with a light beer from a world-renown brewery thinking that at the very least I'd get some better insight into "light" beers. Little did I know that the results I'd get would be tragic and depressing. Anchor Steam, you really know how to rape a guys dreams of excellent beer, don't you? I suppose I should take some of the blame for this month's test, but seriously Anchor Steam, your all fuck-holes.
However, as a bonus for this commemorative post, I present to you a look at my holiday take of beers this year. There are some real select varieties in this group. And I have no clue when or where they'll be consumed. I do know, however, that they will be freely enjoyed without a thought of documenting them for this blog! Happy New Years alcoholics!
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